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Horse Racing Humor

There are lots of jokes floating around with a horse racing theme. These are a few I have received via email with attributions where possible. Most of the original authors are unknown so please send me the correct person to credit if you recognize any of these. If you have a good horse racing joke you would like to see listed here, please send it to me.


The nuns at a small convent were happy to learn that an anonymous donor had left his modest estate to them. Each nun had been left $50 in cash to give away as she saw fit.

Each nun announced how she would spend her bequest. Sister Catherine Ann decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw.

As she said this, she looked out the window and saw a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he indeed looked poor.

She immediately left the convent and walked toward the man. He had obviously known better days. The good nun felt he had been sent by Heaven to receive her offering.

She pressed the $50 into the man's hands and said, "Godspeed, my good man."

As she left, the man called out to her, "What is your name?"

Shyly, she replied, "Sister Catherine Ann."

The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. "I'd like to see Sister Catherine Ann," he said.

The nun at the door answered, "I'm sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. She's in the chapel. May I give her a message?"

"Yes," said the man gleefully. "Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont."


If horse-racing is the sport of Kings, how come there are no famous royal jockeys?


Paddy and his two friends are talking at work.His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friendds look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious.The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."


One day, the Clerk of the Course spotted a trainer giving something to a horse just before the start of a race. He went over and said, "Doping?" The trainer said, "Indeed not, Sir. 'Tis just lump sugar. Look, I'll take a bit myself.....see?" The Clerk of the Course said, "Sorry, but we have to be careful. As a matter of fact, I like a bit of sugar myself." So the trainer gave him a piece. When the Clerk of the Course disappeared, the trainer gave his jockey his last minute instructions, "Don't forget the drill. Hold him in 'til the last four furlongs. Don't worry if anything passes you, it'll be me or the Clerk of the Course!"


An old man lives in a small village. He is very poor and his only property is his humble house. One day, the man hears a voice saying, "George, if you want to be rich, sell your house, rent an apartment in the city and play the rest of your money at the track." The old man initially is very surprised, but he finally decides to do what the strange voice commands. He sells his house, and he rents an apartment in the city. When he is ready to play all of his money at the track, the voice comes again and says, "Bet all your money on horse number seven in the fourth race." The old man does exactly as directed, but his horse comes in last and the old man loses all of his money. "What is the meaning of this?!" cries george to the heavens. The strange voice says, "George, you know, I've just never been very lucky...but I sure do love to play!"


There were these two horses standing at the bar. One said to the other "How ya doin?" ...other replied, "not so good...the other day I was in a race and there were so many GREAT horses and jockeys I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' this race and all of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a head."

The other horse said, "No kiddin' yesterday I was in a race and the same thing ...I figured 'screw it', I ain't runnin' and half way around the track...WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won!"

This greyhound walks up to the two horses and says, "Scuse me but I couldn't help but overhear you guys. Just today I was in a race and there were so many great dogs I figured 'screw it' I ain't runnin' in this race. All of a sudden WHOOSH! UP MY ASS! and I won by a length!!"

One horse looked at the other and said, "WELL I'LL BE DAMNED, A TALKIN' DOG!!!"


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